(author unknown)

1. Cots will be placed in the vestibule for those who say, “Sunday is my only day for sleeping in”.

2. Eye drops will be available for those whose eyes are tired from watching TV too late on Saturday night.

3. We will have steel helmets for those who believe the roof will cave in if they show up for church services.

4. Blankets will be provided for those who complain that the church is too cold. Fans will be on hand for those who say it is too hot.

5.We will have hearing aids for those who say, “The pastor talks too softly.” There will be cotton for those who say he is too loud.

6. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to count the hypocrites present.

7. Relatives will be in attendance for those who like to go visiting on Sunday.

8. TV dinners will be available for those who claim they can’t go to church and cook dinner too.

9. One section of the church will have some trees and grass for those who see God in nature, especially on the golf course.

10. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas pointsetias and Easter lillies for those who have never seen the church without them.

…no comment…

will comment later…

I get that some people who are religious will laugh, some cringe in disgust and for those who dont believe will shake their heads, so why does it matter to me what you think about it?

 I decided last night to just lose sight or track of what I was doing and forgot to post this….ps. the post that I posted today is beneath this post and should be read before hand. ..ok not really.

Doctors, what are they to you?

How do you truly feel about doctors? I mean honestly? Even if you are a doctor yourself would you really want to place your entire mind, body and soul into a imperfect person? It’s not that I dislike the doctor as a person but to be able to put your trust into someone that you hardly know sounds kind-of absurd.

So this is where my random rampage through the medical dictionaries lies…I have just been diagnosed/labelled/whatever you want to call it as temporarily bi-polar. The doctor is not sure that I actually am Bi-polar but would like to try medications to see if they help. Well from all the doctors that I have ever went to have diagnosed me as a depressive adhd child…so why the change now? I know the meds for the depressive adhd child have not worked completely so it should rise some susupicion but being bipolar? really?

im not saying that its the end of the world becuase its not but going through medication after medication just to find one that may or may not work is not my idea of a good time.

anyway im tired. last night took a first dose of seroquel and skipped two of my classes this morning and i have one at 430 tonight…i dont really feel like going…i dont know what i feel like doing, screaming maybe…im very dull right now…its like some awkward depressive state.

Doesn’t it seem like everytime we try to say something it just doesnt come out write right? No matter how hard you try it seems to be only understood by you?….

Why?

 My intentions of this particular blog is to point out the irony that we go through day in and day out. We decide that because our understandings in life cannot be understood we just agree with everyone around us, even if it is in rebellion. How can you be unique to a cause when someone is already fighting against it? How can you try something new when the idea has already been suggested?

 In the first part of this blog I talked about nothing ever seemingly coming out right, no matter how many times we have practiced it, because of this our daily lives are altered everytime we open our mouths. What happens to that one day you decide that the presentation you are giving will be perfect and instead of using the word you really wanted like “deprived” you used “lack of” this in turn has altered the next steps that you will choose for the sake of winning over your collueges in an attempt to change the structural design of a project that you have been working on with them.

There are many people who become lost in deep thought, I am one of them. I am also the type of person that will tell you what is on my mind for the sake of holding on to what is left of my sanity. If I tell you how I feel I may want to hit the redo button once its said but it will for the most part save me sleepless nights and solo-fights (long-story, if you wish to know just ask).

Ask kids we tend to see the imperfection and flaws as mere nothings in a world so large. As adults we see that purity which kids hold. For example, if you were to put an adult and a child in a seperate but virtually identical situation they would react in distinct ways of thier age:

Situation- A man in the middle of the work day hops onto an elevator and “lights up the christmas tree” (for those of you who dont know what that is you press all the numbers on the elevator causing it to stop at every floor)

Adult Reaction: Frustration, anger, possible hostility. The adult then complains about how he has to wait. The adult may decide to take the stairs once the elevator reaches the next floor.

Child Reaction: Takes the opportunity to learn and explore the idea of repeating the action. Is delighted in seeing the lights on the elevator. May not necessarily wait patiently but would not complain about being on the “christmas tree” elevator.

ok ok before i get your feathers all ruffled or your panties in a bunch listen to what i have to say: nothing. does it really matter what I am about to say? for the most part if you are ready to argue or defile this post because it has the word homosexuality printed as the title, its your right. if not, if you are here in support for those who are gay more power to you and i will be there right next to you. now you know my beliefs are you going to think any differently about me? what are your opinions?

I really suck at updating this site. I really should just shut it down. Not only am I the only person who reads this, I am by far the only person who cares….and truth be told, I really dont care.

I started classes today, damn classes after 4pm rule. It seems as though my professor that I had last semester has really started to shape up and I am intrigued to see what she has in-store for her students. I can’t tell if im a suck up or if I resally just wanted to buy my professor a ticket to disney on ice: high school musical. I am also taking my sister who is 16 going on 17. I really don’t know if I actually want to go or not…when the time comes it will be something to do that night.

I just ate cheese burger soup that is very spicy.

I am not sure what to think…about school, about work…about…life. When things go the way that they are suppose to and everyone follows suit with everyone else it seems as though I am losing out. I am not sure what that “something” is but whatever “it” is “it” is being lost.

the problem with feeling like you are losing out you or atleast my personality is screaming out for more. When I want more I tend to go after it. My money is going, going, almost gone, school is good, I am not working a reg. 9 to 5 job, just whenever my boss needs me, my other boss owes me 15 hours worth of work from last fall. I really should get a job that I have to show up to on a regular basis. I really didn’t like going to Sunflake (the preschool that I worked at last fall) but that was mostly because the people there tended to stick to thier ways in raising children which I didnt like nor did I encourage.

I really need to get out of my house. I have to figure out something with my living arrangements, its just not working out too well. What happens when all goes to hell and im back here though? I guess you just have to take a shot or risk regretting everything you have ever done. Then again I dont believe in regrets. I believe that you cannot regret because at one time in your life you wanted it. And for those who want to fight me on this matter go ahead, I’m sure ill have a rebuttle.

I’m tired but I can’t seem to sleep. I have had alot on my mind and for the life of me I can’t figure out a damn thing. I am carelessly hoping that once school fully starts up I wont have time to think, to act or to feel anything for anyone. This is how I always am and I really dont have a problem with it. I distance myself from everyone I know, the ones who I care about, they too are distanced. Its what I do. I dont like to put myself into any vulnerable situation.

so enough of this pity party…

“Passion: It’s something that, I believe, can only happen when people are physically close, when not only minds but also bodies are drawn to each other. Love is purer, it’s more abstract… it’s unconditional…

As of now, I love you the only way I can.”

 To respond to this as if it were just mere words on a page would be unthoughtful and useless and not my style. For me writing is more than just mere words on a page they are full of life, of love and of passion. It has taken me multiple attempts to come this far and I must finish it, not only to appease myself but to really show a particular someone that I do care about them.

I dont know what to say anymore,

everything comes out as an excuse.

I dont know what to do anymore.

Everything comes out…wrong.

I am still going to scream.

I am still going to shout…

I love you and now there is nothing more to be akward about.

….ok so this probably doesnt make sense but in its simplest form I may have spoke before I thought about it and eventually it came out and I have no regrets.

as I look at the blinking cursor it stares back at me. it reminds me of all that i have done and all that I may do.

 many people think that these blogs are meaningless and are just a way to spend your day or atleast to just talk about it when in reality they are broken down into your thoughts and feelings, your every word.

this is not to scare those who have posts into thinking about not because they are being analyzed. besides no one really knows you do they? is this just another blog where not one person has actually met you. well for some, like myself i have met some of my readers. this in return can create a problem. People know people who talk kind of thing. Since i live in a small town…well you can only imagine.

there is one word that I am not fond of, more like two/three…I’m Sorry. in these words your life is at stake. not in a physical sense (for the most part) but you are admitting fault, blame, that you are not perfect.

In my family I’m Sorry also indicates weakness and inability to cope with your problems. So putting things on the back burner is easily done. You expose yourself to all that is real, that we are nowhere close to perfect.

So here it is:

Raul I am not sorry for what I have said but I am sorry that we can’t be together. I am sorry for the trouble that I may have caused you and for the lack of intelligence that I seem to have tonight. I love you for who you are and for all you are worth and I understand. What you may not know about me is that I can see where my boundaries are and I am strong when you come to me on the streets but underneath the covers im just another girl trying to fight her way out.

I hope that one day you can find the words to explain that question to me about love and passion. As for myself I hope that one day my desire to chase after my dreams pays off.

If you can see me shout and scream to get my attention

because i can’t hear you

If you can see me jump up and down

because i cant see you

If you can see me

why did you let me go?

If you feel me

I should have already known

I should have felt you leave.

**Note: This was written soley for the purpose to write, nothing more, nothing less**

Today went off with out a hitch…almost. I woke up at an ungodly hour to take care of my godson whom I love very much. His name is Jack and he is 5 1/2 months old. I took him to church, ran errands with him and went home. However during this period of time I had dropped my phone out of my pocket and Jack’s mother was frantically calling for him. I get it, that she wanted to make sure that her son was ok but she was pissed and still is. Its not like I tried to not pick up her phone calls, infact I missed a few important phone calls.

Anyway back to the topic at hand, although Jack is probably the most obvious choice for a man, I have to accept that this adorable little guy will meet another adorable lil girl/or guy if he so chooses, to love and to hold. And I am better off being the Godmother over anything, then I get to spoil him at all costs and not have to deal with him jk.

Today I didn’t really eat, I tried, even if it was late evening when I did. But then all of a sudden I became very nauseated and no longer had the desire to eat. It may have been the fact that there is nothing, I repeat, nothing on my shelves or in my fridge to eat. Also given that it is Sunday, all the stores are closed early. I could go to Walmart and pick out some out-dated milk and cereal but for even that you must have money, which I do not.

 Once again trying to get back on-topic. There is this boy (ok, man) in my life that I don’t know what to think about. Yes this blog is just another blog about another guy and my girly little issues but if you have a problem with that, like I stated in the beginning, don’t read it.

 I don’t like using the word Love. Yes I do Love, I love people in my life but I am not IN-love with them. I have (in the past) thought about how much damage that word has caused my friends and family. I, personally, have used this word only once, maybe twice if you count the time the guy misinterpreted what I was saying.

It’s almost like show-and-tell. You bring your favorite toy to class but once it no longer is the “prized possession” of your peers do you keep it as your favorite or toss it out? If I say “I am IN-Love with you” and the response is thank you…are you ready for that? Or worst case senario (which is not your partner saying NO) your partner says “I love you too” without thinking without knowing what words are coming from thier mouths.

 Ok, ok…enough of this, its dragging on too much. But I will continue in a quick and painless manner (hopefully).

 I am falling for this guy and I was not sure how to tell him that, infact I know that I have told him before but I made it into a joke. It must be true then…50% of the time that you are joking around you actually are telling the truth. I think the world of him, even when he doesn’t seem to be thinking much of himself. 

I know he is reading this right now. I am talking to him right now. Problem solved eh? If only we weren’t worlds apart…so much for a non-sappy ending.

I am falling for you Raul, and if I hit the ground I don’t care. I will be content knowing that I jumped.

So this post has been posted…officially but off the record its been going and going since my last post.

 I drove around and around. Around and around my car did go. I decided to go and see someone that has meant alot to me for the past few years.  I (to him) on the other hand was just another girl in another town. Through thick and thin, all I needed were the few words of inspiration he gave me.

Initially the trip was to go to the dreaded camp reunion but ended up being more than just that. I would not have went if it weren’t for SVM. However upon returning from the reunion to the place where SVM worked I soon figured out that the trip in its entirety was worthless. SVM and his family moved eight hours north, up into Canada.

 Hmm…talk about bordering obsession. Honestly his words did get me through so much shit and everytime I wanted to end it all he was there. When I went to release the tension of the day I had to mentally block him out to do it. That may sound like he was the problem when in reality when I was not able to block him out I was able to survive as a “normal” person would have done.

I will look at this trip as a positive experience though. The reunion gave me insight. The dinner I had with friends was tolerable and above all I had 13 hours of uninterrupted “Me” time.

Since then I have bought my books ($450.00 worth). This has definately put a damper on everything. I cannot believe how many professors are not willing to accomodate thier students.  Some of my classes hold me hostage, requiring me to pay $100-$200 for a book I end up leaving on my bookshelf.

 Classes start up on Monday at 4:00pm. I never did understand why they could just have a full day of classes start on that next Tuesday. I have never had a problem with it before, however I now have classes that start after 4 (which requires me to go to classes a day early).

One of my best friends is going to school after hell and high water. I am truly happy for her but she seems to be stuck on herself. She thinks that she is the only person or one of the only people that has to deal with all the financial aid problems, class rejection lines and the twamley shuffle.

Well for now I have to go…I have to get up early and go to bed late…and then I have class…lovely.

Amanda

I have had one to many things on my mind which has created a problem. This morning I was suppose to go to the otherside of the state when I realized that it was infact only December 30 today rather than December 31.

I will be ranting and raving about live, its inconsistencies and anything else I can pull from the depths of my head. So if you don’t want to read it, fine you dont have to. This blog is only for the satisfaction of myself to relieve stress somehow. If you also get pleasure from reading this, its a bonus I suppose.

 Well I am off for the day. I need to go buy somethings at Walmart and keep my mind off those damn thigs called boys . But thats another story for another time. I really do sound like one of those overly dramatic teens huh? O well, like I said if you dont want to read it, dont.

 Amanda